Grief is an ever-evolving emotion.
I have gone from utter despair to simple sadness.
The feeling of grief is always there tucked deep in my throat and woven into my soul.
My greatest fear is after I am gone.
I have written about grief many times, but I feel for me it has shifted.
I no longer sit in the day to day grief.
And make no mistake about it there is deep grief.
Greif my child is burdened with a life so heavy it weighs her down.
Grief my child will never have a typical life.
Grief my child will not understand when I am gone.
There is not a day that goes by where I do not look at her and worry.
The thought of her not understanding where I am makes my physically ill.
People have told me I am negative and should not be worrying about that kind of stuff now.
When would it be a good time?
Life is short.
I have the heaviest of weights on my shoulders.
The future is paralyzing.
The grief sits there.
But what has changed is accepting that grief and accepting that this life is forever.
Autism is not going to miraculously disappear.
Autism is forever.
And accepting that forever took years.
Kya will always live with me and I am 100% ok with that.
She will most likely never drive.
She will most likely not have boyfriend.
She will most likely not go to college.
I am not negative I am being realistic.
A typical path is school college marriage and kids.
I am not saving for college.
I am not saving to buy her a car.
I am saving for her future for when I am gone.
And that is what is paralyzing.
With the above I know my daughter is more than capable of great things. But I am realistic.
She does not understand that she cannot walk in front of oncoming traffic so right now the thought of her driving is just that a thought.
If I let myself dwell on these things the grief would be too much.
We are taking life day by day and hour by hour.
I understand forever now.
And I am planning for it.
On we go.